so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
