epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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