If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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