Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
