It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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