I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
