can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
