im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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