my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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