I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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