Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
