hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
