theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just found puke in my bra..
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm like, not good at living.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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