I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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