Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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