Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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