I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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