I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
