The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
