fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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