You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
