I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
