Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize