taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
