I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
