they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
