she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
