I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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