So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
