On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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