I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
