He disabled his match.com account in front of me
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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