You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
