Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
