Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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