Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
