Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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