I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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