This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
