I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize