Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
