I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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