I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
