Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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