well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
