The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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