i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize