I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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