This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
