On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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