You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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