mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
