I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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