the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
