I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
