I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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