pedialite and red bull = repair kit
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
