I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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