i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Two words: blizzard sex
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
