Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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