just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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