It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
