I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
