Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
