you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
