worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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