I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
